I feel more than rubbish at the minute.
I have a lovely, lovely friend who tells me I am amazing and wonderful and calls me supermum and sometimes, when she says it, I see myself through her eyes and actually believe her, almost, a little bit.
But mostly, like tonight, I feel just rubbish.
I am trying so hard to do so much. Sometimes, I feel I’m getting close to achieving something, and then it all goes to pieces.
I am a woman, so naturally I can multi-task but even I am struggling here.
I am a mum who stays at home with my two preschoolers. I like to spend time with them during the day.
I am a wife and I like to spend time with my husband in the evenings once our beautiful children are asleep.
I am a tutor and I like to be well prepared for my tutoring sessions, necessitating time spent thinking about them, finding or making resources, photocopying texts etc etc.
I am an Usborne bookseller – I like to know what I’m talking about when I’m selling my books so I need to find time to read them. I need to advertise my business to book stalls at fairs and toddler groups, run book parties, attend meetings and training sessions, I need to keep up with my accounts for both businesses…
I like blogging. I like writing all my thoughts and experiences to record them for myself and my family and to clear my rather over worked brain.
I like to, just occasionally, sleep, or have a bubble bath or do something just for me…
Actually what happens is, I have a shower by myself while hubby gets the kids up and, if I’m lucky, dressed and/or breakfasted. Then I am with them from 8-6 – we play, read, do puzzles, go to lovely places with lovely friends or just by ourselves. In amongst that we eat, cook and sometimes do a bit of housework. Often I break up arguments, soothe hurt bodies and egos – and that’s just my 3 and 1 year olds. I get followed everywhere I go and don’t have a minute to myself, especially now the daytime napping is stopping. Then hubby gets home, we eat and the children go to bed. Hubby sits down to relax after a hard day at work and I start doing tutoring prep, online business networking, paperwork etc etc. Often hubby goes to bed in a strop that I’ve not spent the evening snuggled up watching TV with him and I stay up writing newsletters, blogs, doing accounts etc.
I think I just need an extra few hours to a day, or maybe an extra day or two a week to fit everything in!
Any tips or advice, people? I would like to feel a little more in control and able to enjoy my days rather than loving bits of them and then feeling under so much pressure to do so much I stay up til the early hours working and feel tired when I wake up, even though the kids are now finally sleeping through the night (Really hope I’ve not just jinxed that!)
Maybe on the outside, to my lovely friend and others, I look in control but believe me, I’m like one of those plate spinners, I get one part of my life going smoothly and then notice something I should have done and have to rush to do it before it reaches crisis point. Or maybe I’m like a duck. I may look like I’m gliding serenely but actually under the water I’m paddling madly just to stay in the same place… Maybe if I can maintain the illusion it might some day become real?!
But now, at 23.37, I’ve just realised O is back to preschool tomorrow after half term and I promised I’d finish sticking photos into his holiday diary… Must dash! And then, hopefully, to bed.